Pawn
by petulantpoet
Summary: Following the death of Severus, Narcissa finds her way to finally come to terms with his death as well as the courage to say goodbye. A/U in respect a relationship existed other than what was presented within canon.


Pawn

The Earth beneath her feet crunched as she drove the dried leaves further into the hallowed ground. Had she looked to either side she would have seen the names of those she used to know; names such as Tonks, Lupin and even her previous nome de plume, Black. However Narcissa had not once turned her head, there was only one tomb she sought, only one grave existed for her in the entire world and it was her only destination.

She had waited for weeks after his death; she hadn't been sure she would be able to see his name scrolled across the marble marker and maintain even the slightest bit of composure. The hallowed ground where the honorable dead had been buried had become something of an oddity; practically a spectator sport to those who had no business paying their final respects- those who had not known the dead before. Not known them when their lives and causes had mattered so greatly and so silently at the same time. Had she been honest with her self she would have known the real reason she hadn't come. She told her self she was terrified she would break and her sadness would be witnessed by someone who might just find the ever stoic Madame Malfoy crying above the entombed body of Severus Snape odd enough to share with the rest of the meddling world. But that hadn't been the real reason, not even remotely. The real reason why was much too hard to swallow; much too hard to accept. The reality of it all was in fact a very large pill and she hadn't been so sure she could choke it down.

Gracefully her steps took her to his marker as if she had always known the way. Perhaps some where deep inside she had always known her final goodbye would be said to cold marble verses the warmth she always felt within his presence. Severus had not been an easy man to love but no one had ever said love was supposed to be easy. She had loved him in spite of her self, in spite of everything he had ever done or said to the contrary. Never in her life had she felt so right and so very lonely at the same time within the company of another as she had with him. Once he had told her she was addicted to a certain kind of sadness and some where within her twisted mind she had settled her attentions upon him. She had laughed at that and with her lips tangibly displayed her affections and kissed him. It had been a kiss so bitter and so sickly sweet all at the same time. Looking back now perhaps he had been right, perhaps she was just addicted to sadness because for certain Severus was the saddest soul she had ever known.

Finally she found herself standing before his name and yet for the life of her she could not remember the journey. Slowly her eyes took in every scrolled letter; how he would have hated the ornate-ness of it all. _Severus Snape- the man we never knew_. Shaking her head she tried to fight away the tears for she had known him, she had known everything there was to know of him. All the good, all the bad and all the gray areas in between; it was an ache she still remembered.

There had been times he had treated her as nothing more than a stranger, nothing or no one that mattered to him even in the slightest. But she had known different, she had understood his true intentions even when he hadn't understood them him self. Loving her was different and it wasn't in Severus's nature to do different- different in his world was typically a very bad thing. He had told her once they didn't make sense and then turned around and within the same breath told her that she made him so complete he wanted to die. That had been the man she loved, a man so filled with contradictions his every action was nothing short of a riddle; a cryptex which only she could ever break. After all hadn't there been enough sorrow in the world with out him trying to invent even more. But that had been Severus;_ her_ Severus, the man she had always known regardless of how the rest of the world saw him. He was the sort of man who would rather die sated than live a life half full of sadness and discomfort and it wasn't until that very moment that she realized the depth of her love for him at the thought of eternal and forever separation.

Standing before him now she found herself unable to voice the words she wanted to say. She had not attended his service, her final epitaph needed to be delivered in absolute private- her words were not meant for prying eyes and speculation. For weeks she planned each and every syllable and yet now as she stood staring at the cold marble the words would not come. Narcissa found her self paralyzed and all she could do was think of all the times she had watched him turn and walk away after telling her she was nothing what so ever to him. With crystal clarity she could still feel the emptiness at watching him leave knowing he would return and take back the harsh words. Severus had never been able to stay away for very long, he had never been able to cut her off completely despite his actions or his words. For him, Narcissa was more than just someone he knew- she was the entire world for him and she told him so every time he returned. And return he did each and every time he ever left her alone with nothing but her tears for company. But now staring almost through the marble tying to find something, anything at all left of the man she simply could not find her voice to tell him yet again he was forgiven just as always.

Behind her she could hear footsteps and instinctively she knew she was no longer alone- her grieving was no longer private and public displays of emotion would not have pleased the man she came to honor. It was then she finally raised her head and found herself within the company of so many who had died, so many on both sides of a war she never really understood. Nothing about the war made sense at all, least of all loosing the very finest of men. Severus, her poor doomed Severus. In the end there had been nothing she could have done to have saved him- his fate was ultimately not held within her hands. In those final days he had in fact completely cut her off, perhaps it had been for the best after all. She felt quite certain he already knew his fate and had resigned him self to meeting his end without saying parting words or witnessing the tears she would have surely shed at his good-bye. No in fact she was certain he had thought it to be for the best. Severus was one who often did the deciding for the both of them whether she shared his sentiments or not. It would seem in the end he had gotten his way again, he had not told her good-bye instead he had left her with nothing but her own words in which she would never find a voice for saying.

She had not brought flowers, knowing him as she did she knew he would not have approved but she had been unable to resist the feeling that something, something of her should be left behind. The thought of him alone deep beneath the earth tormented her and she hoped quite selfishly an offering would somehow ease her suffering. Sensing the footsteps behind her getting closer she quickly pulled from the pocket of her cloak the only tangible proof of love he had ever given to her. For a brief moment she stared at the crystal image within her hand before bringing it to her lips and then carefully placing it above his marker. Stepping back she studied the image before her and remembered when he had left the token with her as a sign of his inability to be without her. At first she had not understood and then he had explained as he closed her fingers around the small crystal form and kissed her hand to seal the promise. It was a pawn from his chess board; it was the only way he could ever show her he would always be there for her, always remain forever by her side, never for one moment let her go into the darkness of battle alone. It seemed only appropriate she now return the favor.

She read his name one final time and closed her eyes to seal the sight forever within her mind. It was time to leave, Severus was gone- there were no miracles to be had today.

He was dead and finally she could accept the fact. His body was cold and rotting away deep within the earth. Nothing of the man she had once known remained; nothing what so ever was left of the only man she had ever loved to excess and it was time she came to terms with that. Severus was just a memory now- just somebody she used to know.


End file.
